Akin To Something
by Jave Harron
Summary: This is a parody of Akin To Sin by No One, and it was written with his consent. Chapter II is up! Rated for various innuendo and pointless comical violence.
1. Chapter I

Akin To Something  
By Jave Harron And No One  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: FFX belongs to Square, MGS belongs to Konami, Michael Jackson belongs to the Martians or whatever alien race, and Akin to Sin belongs to No One. This story is done with his permission. Any doubters can ask No One himself.   
  
Chapter 1: The Insanity Begins  
  
Charles Weston loaded his M4 and SOCOM pistol and checked the mission data on his PDA. The government was sending him on a solo mission to inflitrate one of the most horrific locations on the face of the Earth: Michael Jackson's newest home.   
  
The evil alien..er...ex-pop star had tried building a new Neverland ranch in a place few would dare to follow him:   
Canada. The new Neverland complex had its own maple syrup manufactoring plant inside of it, allowing Jacko   
to make his latest commericial endever: Jacko Maple Syrup.   
  
Weston never knew why the government always sent him on solo, dangerous missions, but he thought it was   
something to do with the fact he always played Metal Gear Solid games during the time he was supposed to be   
scrubbing down latrines.   
  
Being a technology officer, he found a way to connect his PS2 and PS1 to his Personal Digital Assistant, or PDA,   
using something called 'Plotholes.' Weston copied various games onto it quite illegally, but hey, they still worked.   
  
His Metal Gear Solid collection was on it, as well as some MP3 tracks of various heavy metal songs. He even found   
a way to connect a Gameshark to it. That way, whenever he was playing a game or in VR, he always had infinite   
ammo, health, and items.   
  
His latest mission was nearly a suicide mission: go into Jacko's plant and take him out before his Jacko Maple   
Syrup could hit the market.   
  
All he needed was information on where Jacko in the base was hiding. That would be hard, since Jacko was called   
a 'Special Idiotic Nutcase' by the US Army, or a SIN.   
  
Weston looked ahead of him. He had a personal C-130 cargo plane waiting to take him. He boarded, preparing for   
his trip to hell on earth.   
A few hours later, Weston found himself in camo with his M4 ready to fire. He saw the front door of the Neverland   
ranch in front of him, a gate with two signs on them.   
  
The first said, "Abandon All Hope All Ye Who Enter Here." The second one was about three or four feet off the   
ground, and said, "You must be at most this tall to ride Jacko."   
  
Weston shuddered and moved in.   
  
Around perimeter, he saw a Russian guy in green camo holding an AN-94 walking predictably back and forth in   
a line. At the end of each round, he'd say, "Nothing here." in an accented voice and continue the patrol.   
  
Weston leaned against the wall next to the guard, and began knocking on it. The guard stopped and turned   
around with a question mark over his head. "There's somebody there?" the Russian asked.  
  
"Yep. Just an intruder," Weston replied.   
  
An exclaimation point popped over the guard's head. At this, Weston jumped out of the corner,   
grabbed a grenade, pulled the pin out of the grenade, and shoved it into the Russian's mouth.   
  
He ducked and heard a loud explosion behind him.   
  
Weston turned to see the soldier's smoking boots and said, "Talk about not sticking dangerous things in   
your mouth. Didn't your mother ever teach you about that and not smoking?"  
  
The boots simply stood there, smoking.  
  
Weston turned around, and the boots became possessed for no apparent reason and kicked him in the rear.   
  
Those boots kicked him so hard, he flew through a window into a storage room.   
  
Weston landed with a comicbook caliber "THUD!" and awoke to see several bookshelves all around him. A Russian   
soldier entered the room, holding his gun and cussing in a fake Russian accent.   
  
Looking at the opportunity, Weston saw the shelves were loaded with a several copies of a single book, one that   
Jacko had unsuccessfully tried to market to Catholic priests and sweaty old guys that asked boys if they wanted to  
see puppies.   
  
It was called "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing," and the cover's artwork consisted of large amounts of makeup  
on a little boy's underwear.   
  
Not wanting to see the horrific cover art, Weston shoved over the nearest shelf to him, which set off a chain reaction.  
The other shelves fell over in a domino effect and crushed the Russian guard.   
  
"Talk about hard learning," Weston cackled to himself.   
  
Weston exited the storeroom, and saw a horror beyond horrors. No, it's wasn't Cthulhu. It was Jacko without his   
plastic nose. He looked like a mummy with two nostril holes, making a skeleton look good.   
  
"Are you a reporter?" the monster asked.   
  
"No, I'm an Army member," Weston answered, drawing his SOCOM at the monster.   
  
"Same thing. Die!" Jacko retorted.   
  
The Special Idiot Nutcase (SIN) that was Jacko quickly turned into a large, white monster that looked like Gumby's  
wrinkled grandmother, and sucked Weston into a plothole.  
  
Weston felt like he was being torn in two, and despite the innuedo, he was thrust into the world of Spira. 


	2. Akin 2 Chapter

Akin To Something  
  
By Jave Harron And No One  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: FFX belongs to Square, MGS belongs to Konami, Michael Jackson belongs to the Martians or whatever alien race, and Akin to Sin belongs to No One. This story is done with his permission. Any doubters can ask No One himself.   
  
Chapter 2: The Decline And Fall Of Charles Weston  
  
Charles Weston fell like he never fell before. To give an example, his fall made the decrease in value of Enron stock look like a small trip. It reminded Weston of the time he was listening to too much heavy metal and punted his pet cat like a football off the top of a high building. Now, he was the cat.  
  
For some strange reason, he had his SOCOM, PDA, M4, and military hardware attached to him. It was then he remembered he used cartoon-strength superglue on them, so they would stick on until the next skit, or at least until he fell of a cliff and was hit by an anvil.   
  
He fell faster than the Roman Empire under Christianity, to give an idea. After what seemed like an eternity, Weston saw the ground. The problem was he seemed literally a mile up, and gravity was helping bridge the gap. Fast.   
  
Weston saw an island below him, and it was approaching. He closed his eyes, and waited to end up like roadkill pancake. He loved running over small animals then cooking them, but now, he was the small animal.   
  
He felt a large splash, and he awoke to see two of the strangest people he ever saw, barring Michael Jackson of course. One had a strange haircut, and the other looked like Lara Croft.   
  
He remembered he saw them in a game before. Final Fantasy X.   
  
"Can I eat him, ya?" Wakka asked.   
  
"No! Just because he's hurt, you think you can eat him?" Yuna Croft answered.   
  
"Yeah! I always eat roadkill! If I didn't, all those small animals would be reproducing like mad, ya? I am the one man aide to natural selection and population control!" Wakka protested.   
  
"I think he's still alive," Yuna said, poking him with a stick.   
  
"Nyka does that, but it's with a different kind of stick," Wakka remarked.   
  
After promptly slapping Wakka, Yuna dragged Weston to a hut.   
  
Weston awoke with a terrible headache. He also had to go to the bathroom VERY badly. Sort of like that 'Ally McBeal needs to throw up her food after eating' kind of need to go to the bathroom. He woke up to see that creepy guy with the Jamaican accent, Wakka, eating a small cat.   
  
"Cait Sith tastes good, ya?" the guy said, "I found a good use for him after FFVII. He's more useful in my stomach than in a party."   
  
"What the hell is going on around here?!" Weston exclaimed, "And more importantly, where's the bathroom?"   
  
Yuna Croft entered, holding up a try of tea.   
  
"Well, we found you lying the beach. Of all the strange places to take a nap," Yuna said.   
  
"I wake up in strange places and with strange people all the time! That's how Lulu and I met! We weren't using 'protection,' though," Wakka said, "And it was right after that heavy metal concert!"   
  
Weston was somewhat relieved. At least there was heavy metal bands and head bangers. Perhaps this world wasn't as primitive as he first thought...  
  
"I gotta use the bathroom," Weston said.   
  
Meanwhile, Yuna was looking through the tools they found on strange man...no, not those tools, pervert! Get your mind out of the gutter! Yuna came across Weston's fully loaded M4 assault rifle.   
  
Lulu walked in, with a black trenchcoat on. "How does this work?" Yuna asked Lulu.   
  
"You put the end with the hole in your mouth, and pull the trigger," Lulu said, taking a drag from a cigarette.   
  
Yuna was about to do it when Weston rushed out of the bathroom in a dramatic dive. "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he exclaimed as he dove to grab his gun in a Matrix-style dive. After that, Lulu laughed. She would have fun with this new fellow... 


End file.
